


The Tales of Prince Cranky Fuck

by Sour_grape_Snape



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Domestic Avengers, F/M, M/M, Stucky - Freeform, fairytale AU, thruce
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:55:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23808748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sour_grape_Snape/pseuds/Sour_grape_Snape
Summary: the Avengers fairytale AU that no one asked for, presented as a badly made script by Tony Stark
Relationships: Bruce Banner/Thor, Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, prolly more but who cares
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	The Tales of Prince Cranky Fuck

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know what this is but I'm running with it

The Adventures of Prince Cranky Fuck (I hate you, Tony)

Starring:

Anthony Edward Stark as The Awesome King

King T’Challa as The King That Actually Does His Damn Job

Steven Grant Rogers as Prince Cranky Fuck

James Buchanan Barnes as Prince Done with Everyone’s Shit

Samuel Wilson as The Guy Who Actually Does All the Work

Nick Fury as The Fairy Godmother

Alexander Pierce as The Evil Scumbag Advisor

Virginia Potts as The King’s Deceased Wife That Actually Ran the Country

Okoye as The Original Badass

Shuri as The Only Person That Managed to Get Out of This (Did you really need to add that, Tony? – Steve)

Loki Odinson as The Disaster Gay

Bruce Banner as The Court Physician by Day and Bridge Hulk by Night

Thor Odinson as The Perpetually Confused Guard

Brunnhilde as The Perpetually Drunk Guard

Clinton Francis Barton as The Human Disaster Outlaw

Natalia Alianovna Romanova as The Badass Escapee Princess

Stephen Vincent Strange as The Smug Wizard/Bastard (so basically himself)

(All one sees at first is blackness. Then, with a dramatic *click* a spotlight illuminates the small room. Its soft light falls onto a small, sleek table on which a StarkPad is situated; taped onto the StarkPad’s cover is a piece of paper that proudly proclaims it a “Fairytale collection” in elegant script. The page is illustrated in many graceful curls of gold and purple paint and is therefore clearly Steve’s work, since quote “No, Tony, All of ya are incompetent. Gimme”)

(The camera zooms in on the “book” for a moment, before its focus is directed to the door. SAM enters and looks far more dignified than anyone should be allowed to in that old time-y getup. He makes his slow way to the tablet, gives an almost imperceptible snort, and looks into the camera like he’s on the Office.)

SAM: I cannot believe that I agreed to this.

TONY, off camera: Shut up and narrate, Wilson. I’m not paying you to sass me.

SAM, raising an eyebrow: You’re not paying me at all-

TONY: Details! Just get on with it.

SAM sighs and steels himself.

SAM: Once upon a time, in a faraway place, there lived a…

SAM rolls his eyes.

SAM: Do I really have to say this?

TONY, accidentally shuffling the camera a bit: Team bonding, remember?

SAM: I swear to God; these people will be the death of me.

SAM huffs in annoyance for a bit.

SAM, in a very sarcastic and weirdly enthusiastic narrating voice: Once upon a time, in a faraway place, there lived a sickly prince by the name of Prince Cranky Fuck.

STEVE huffs indignantly in the background.

STEVE: Tony, I thought we agreed that-

TONY: Stop being a buzz kill, Rogers. Continue, Sam.

PETER groans in exasperation.

PETER, also off camera: This is gonna take so much editing…

SAM glares everyone into silence.

SAM: Now, Price Cranky Fuck was the younger brother of King Kit Kat-

Sam pauses.

T’CHALLA, in an annoyed voice: Just don’t question it. Arguing with Stark is pointless.

SAM gives TONY an unimpressed look and continues.

SAM: One of the Kings of two neighboring kingdoms. Prince Cranky Fuck had been sickly all his life and could therefore not participate in the activities princes usually occupied themselves with. This instilled a special sort of stubbornness in him that was both infuriating and tended to get him into all kinds of trouble.

BUCKY, crooning: Look Stevie, they’ve got you pegged!

TONY and SAM: Shut up, Barnes!

TONY: You don’t appear until later, stop spoiling the story.

SAM: King Kit Kat worried for his younger brother and his future. Ideally, the King would like him to marry and make a strong alliance. The problem was that people refused to give Prince Cranky Fuck a chance because of his sickly stature. Prince Cranky Fuck, in turn, refused to be married off as he felt it would interfere with his exploits and troublemaking.

STEVE grumbles in the background.

SAM: So, King Kit Kat hatched a plan. He knew of a perfect way to trick his younger brother into doing exactly as the King wished. One morning, he called Prince CF to him to begin the first phase of his plan…

A harp sounds, the screen turns a wobbly rainbow color and resumes filming, now in an actual castle.

We cut to a room that is evidently the THRONE ROOM. T’CHALLA sits in a throne at the end of the room, twirling a knife in his hands, evidently bored. He is dressed in black hose, boots, a belted blue tunic and a rich white cloak.

STEVE walks on screen, his clothing a mirror of the kings (minus the cloak). Rather than bored, he looks highly suspicious and annoyed.

STEVE: You called for me…brother?

STEVE glares slightly into the camera.

T’CHALLA: Indeed. I have received rather troubling news. A dragon has been causing mayhem in a village up North, stealing the gold and scaring the villagers. However, I do not know what to do… I cannot go and my bravest knights are occupied with the raids at the southern border…

T’CHALLA heaves a big, clearly fake sigh.

STEVE: But brother, there’s no need to worry! I will go!

T’CHALLA: Oh, but Steven, I could not possibly ask this of you!

STEVE, challenge in his voice: Oh? Why is that? I’m the obvious solution!

T’CHALLA: Yes brother, but it is very dangerous. I can’t send you, much less by yourself!

STEVE: That is easily solved, I will take Samuel with me.

T’CHALLA: Surely, you should sit this one out and send your friend. Your…constitution –

SAM: The King had said the magic words. By bringing up the Prince’s health, he had as good as sealed the deal.

STEVE, enraged: My _constitution_ is perfectly fine! I will go and you cannot stop me!

T’CHALLA, sounding put upon: Very well, if you insist…

STEVE: I do insist.

T’CHALLA: You must leave as soon as possible. The situation is dire. I trust you to do me proud, brother.

STEVE: I will not fail you.

Cut to STEVE’S CHAMBERS. The wall opposite the door holds a large window. On the right, near the window, stands a large four poster bed. Opposite the bed stands a small table with two chairs and behind it a large, wooden closet. Everything is in a state of complete chaos. Clothing, old food and various weapons are strewn everywhere. STEVE stands with his back to the door, packing.

STEVE, to himself: Where did I put those stupid charcoals? This – ugh –

SAM, standing in the door: They’re right there by the table, _Your Highness_

STEVE: Oh, right, thanks.

He grabs them and throws them into the bag.

SAM: Oh and thanks, by the way, for humbly volunteering me for this mission. Glad you consulted me beforehand.

STEVE: I’m sorry, alright? He wouldn’t have let me go by myself. And we both know you would have come with me either way.

SAM: Oh? Is that so?

STEVE: You can’t police me and lecture me about self-preservation if I’m not here. Of course you’d come along.

SAM: I hate you.

SAM, to the camera: He’s really like this by the way. Bucky and I can never leave that man out of our sight. I remember one time when –

TONY: Less chit chat and more narrating, Wilson!

PETER sighs in despair behind the camera.

PETER, mumbling: So much editing…

SAM: Well, I’m just going to assume that you’ll pack a bunch of useless shit and thus go prepare an actual, useful pack.

STEVE: Uh huh, yeah, go ahead. Meet you by the gates in 10 minutes?

SAM: The gates? But what about the stables?

STEVE, turning to SAM with a glare: We both know I’m the worst rider in existence. The horses hate me, and my spine is too crooked to sit in a saddle for hours anyway. We’re walking.

SAM: Walking?! Ugh.

SAM, to himself: I suppose I would’ve murdered him anyway if he attempted to take a horse, reckless bastard…

Cut to CASTLE GATES. Two guards stand at either end. Right before them stand SAM and STEVE, who are being seen off by T’CHALLA and OKOYE.

CLINT: Wait, who are the extras? I thought you were just forcing us to do this.

TONY: They’re interns, now shut it, you’re interrupting the story.

CLINT: You’re making your interns help in your ludicrous fairy tale enactment? Aren’t they here for science?

TONY, more annoyed than before: They want to work for me one day, this is the perfect way to introduce them to my eccentricities. Now shush or no more coffee for the next hour.

Silence.

SAM: Don’t worry Your Majesty, I’ll make sure he doesn’t run headfirst into death.

T’CHALLA: I’m confident in your abilities to wrangle him. Expect a promotion upon your return, not everyone can put up with him in close quarters for that long.

SAM: Thanks, Your Majesty.

Meanwhile, STEVE and OKOYE.

OKOYE: You remember my teachings, yes? Use your slight frame against them. If I hear you tried to engage in a fist fight, I will kill you.

STEVE, grumbling: Yeah, yeah, I know…no drastic physical exertion in the name of thoughtless violence…

OKOYE: Exactly. Only thought-out violence.

She winks at him and returns to T’CHALLAS side.

The EXTRAS stand silently by the gate, taking their job very seriously.

STEVE: Well, we’d best get on. Goodbye, brother. I’ll bring you a nice dragon head.

STEVE and SAM exit the gates, starting their quest.

T’CHALLA to OKOYE: Sure he will.

They cackle.

The camera follows as SAM and STEVE make their way down the path and to the MAIN ROAD.


End file.
